Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
