Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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