we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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