I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to calm my uterus...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
