Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
