Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
