Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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