i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
