dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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