So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
