omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize