they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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