when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
