Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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