Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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