Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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