oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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