It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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