dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sober January is a disaster.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
