he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i need some magic done to my vagina
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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