Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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