what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
