first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
