I must be too annoying 4 u.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize