He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
