That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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