I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
