please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we're making bets on your personal life
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
