she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
