it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
