So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
