So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
