Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
