worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
