I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
