im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
