I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
