i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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