Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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