she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize