I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
