weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize