Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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