Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
