I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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