have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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