Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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