she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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