He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
