just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
