the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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