My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
