I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
