whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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