why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
