Can i not drive my cunt home
I can text with my tongue
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
