At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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