dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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