I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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