I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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