I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
