All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
