Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
