so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
