Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
