First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
