I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
