...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
