I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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