gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize