did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
